Newest Hotel Discount

Travelers are always scouting for new ways to scrimp and save on their next vacation: discount rates, last-minute deals, cheap eats, et cetera. But getting a room in a five-star hotel for free may be about to get easier, as long as you’re willing to bump uglies with your partner in said room while millions of voyeurs watch over the web.

The details are a bit scarce at this point, but plans are in the works to set up more than 100 hotels around the globe, where subscribers will be able to tap into a network of live webcams showing guests getting busy in their hotel rooms. In exchange for amateur hour, the guests will grab their hotel room for free for the night.

Berth Milton Jr., whose pops is said to have originated hardcore pornography in the 1960s, is the grandmaster of the suite scheme, saying the hotels could bring in almost $44 million in subscriber fees. The Swedish smut king, who was at the top of the XXX DVD pyramid in the ’90s, did “field research” at more than a dozen swingers club in Barcelona—tough gig!—and concluded that for the lodge to be successful, he’s going to have to open it up to everyone, not just swingers. “It has to be a hotel for non-swingers as well–not super-explicit where everybody’s running around naked,” Milton said. “That takes the style and class out of it.”

You have to admit: This is a pretty solid moneymaker, at least in Europe or Asia. Amateur porn is rapidly rising to the top as the choice of Internet viewers, and its availability is growing by the minute. And if there are 100 hotels around the world, with potentially thousands of people inside of them, all getting busy at all times of the day? This is Willy Wonka-caliber stuff here, people. Imagine if it spread to paying for your entire vacation: sex on a plane, sex on a train, sex in the lobby of the….

Just one thing: What are the criteria for guests, here? Do we have to crawl on our hands and knees down an oiled runway or sashay in something in latex to be cleared for takeoff? How about STDs? Can we have those? Could we stay for a whole damn month for free, as long as we spend most of it blowing and bumping? And how shall we get on the waiting list?