Sunday, July 26, 2009
TOP 10 Super Powers That Would Suck
As a kid you've probably dreamed of getting hit by lightning or bitten by a radioactive spider so you could develop your own super powers and save the world. Well, what if it happened and the power you got…sucked? These are my choices for Top 10 Super Powers That Would Suck.
10. Soft Drink Transference
Explanation: The power to cause whatever carbonated beverage that you are consuming to change it's flavor to that of an alternate brand, ie. Coke to Pepsi, Dr. Pepper to Mountain Dew.
Why it would suck: Maybe you really wanted a Mr. Pibb? Sucks for you because now it's a Diet Fanta.
9. Dryer Freshening
Explanation: Everything you touch is now given that wonderful, fresh out of the dryer smell.
Why it would suck: It would be great at first but who wants a slice of pizza that smells like it was cooked in the same place you wash your underwear and gym socks. And after awhile, you'd probably think it wasn't so wonderful and fresh anymore.
8. Extremely Limited Levitation
Explanation: The ability to raise yourself off the ground but only by about an inch.
Why it would suck: You would be like Criss Angel except you don't know any other cool tricks. And, you would be like Criss Angel.
7. Heightened Smell
Explanation: You can smell everything for miles around.
Why it would suck: You can smell EVERYTHING for miles around.
6. Aluminum/Dermal Replacement
Explanation: This power gives you the ability to change the density of your skin to that of aluminum foil.
Why it would suck: Though aluminum is a metal, your skin is only so thick, so it would in fact make you less durable and also impossible to get through security at the airport.
5. Room Temperature Control
Explanation: The power of temperature control as long as you prefer everything at room temperature.
Why it would suck: Forget about ever having a frosty beer again.
4. Animal Magnetism
Explanation: Animals are drawn to you and literally stick.
Why it would suck: You would be banned from all zoos and farms and that's only if you survived from being stuck to a dozen housecats as soon as you stroll through your neighborhood.
3. Extremely Limited Time Travel
Explanation: This is the ability to travel forward in time, but only about 30 seconds into the future.
Why it would suck: It's pretty much useless. The only plus to this power would be to skip commercials. Also, using this power to skip past your girlfriend's nagging would just cause more problems because you didn't listen to a single thing she's said….just like you ALWAYS do.
2. Super Speed with Bad Coordination
Explanation: The power of speed with the absence of control.
Why it would suck: While you could go anywhere in the world in the blink of an eye, your chances of making it to your destination without injury are slim. Have you ever stubbed your toe at Mach 5?
1. Permanent X-Ray Vision
Explanation: The ability to see through clothing and other objects…permanently.
Why it would suck: Walk around a Walmart for one hour and you'll know.
The Top 10 Sexiest Olympic Moments
# 10 The President Taps Some Beach Volleyball Ass
The Olympics hadn't even started and President George W. Bush was doing his very best to boost team spirit, morale and to cement his legacy as Commander in Cheeks. His ass tapping of Misty May-Treanor and Kerri Walsh must have helped. The duo went on to win gold.
# 9 Chinese Takes Female Wrestling Gold and Re-invents the Kama Sutra
China's Wang Jiao was so hungry for Olympic gold in female wrestling she got a little dirty. She also inadvertently created some new moves, including the one above which has been dubbed the turkey baster. Word is she will be releasing her own version of thd Kama Sutra and I can't wait.
# 8 Amanda Beard Strips (What's New)
Amanda Beard is always taking it off. At the beginning of the games she caused controversy for stripping nude for a PETA print commercial. Things didn't go so well for Amanda in the pool. She failed to qualify for the 200 meter breast stroke finals. One commentator noted "She went from centerfold to just plain fold." She's still hot.
# 7 The Great Fake Nude Swedish Crossbower
The web went crazy with nude photos of Olympic athletes. Amanda's Beard's old Playboy spread floated around, as were countless others. So you can imagine how everyone reacted when nude photos of ridiculously hot Swedish Olympic crossbower Sara Boberg hit the web. The only problem was the crossbow is not an Olympic event and Sara Boberg is not an Olympic athlete. So I suppose we're the only winners in this one.
# 6 How to Handle a Pole
Russian pole vaulter Yelena Isinbayeva smashed the world record at the Beijing Olympics clearing 5.05 meters and annihilating the competition. She also has an incredible booty. Watch it below over and over again. This girl has it all and best of all, she knows how to handle a pole.
# 5 The Ladies of Synchronized Swimming Get Close and Personal
Synchronized swimming may seem like one of the most boring "sports" to watch, but catch it in glorious HD and all bets are off. No punches were pulled at the Olympics as these beauties doggy paddled their way into our hearts.
# 4 The Art that is Gymnastics
Add women's gymnastics to the list of things the US and China can't see eye-to-eye on. At least our girls actually were women. The outfits at this year's Olympics were downright criminal, and we wouldn't be surprised if the suits four years from now are simply poured on the girls.
# 3 The Great Water Polo Nipple Slip
Water Polo became a whole lot more titillating this Olympic Games after Greek player Christina Tsoukala accidently exposed herself during an early round match against Australia. The embarrassing picture spread like crazy, but there was a catch. Christina was only 17 and considered a minor in some states.
# 2 Gymnasts Get Friendly
European Olympic gymnasts like to kiss each other. It's a tradition similar to how beach volleyball players smack each other on the ass. The gold for best kiss would have to be awarded to a pair of Russian teammates who locked lips after a successful uneven bar routine.
# 1 The Booties of Beach Volleyball
It doesn't get better than beach volleyball. This is why HD televisions were created. Who couldn't sit around all day look at hot women with perfect bouncing booties ?
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