July 17th, 2009 Aanand Pandey
Infosys co-founder Nandan Nilekani will take charge as the chairperson of the Unique Identification Authority of India (UDAI) project next week. That is when he will move into his new office. (Currently, he is sitting in the Planning Commission office, a Business Standard report said today). One can’t help but think of an imaginary scenario of his first day in the new office. Here it goes.
Morning, 10 AM sharp. Nandan Nilekani enters his new cabin. There is not much in the room except a plush chair, a large wooden desk with a computer and a phone neatly placed on top. He picks up the phone and dials the switchboard operator’s number.
Nilekani: Good morning. This is Nandan Nilekani. Can you send in someone who can help me with some information, please?
Operator: Good Morning sir. Whom do you wish to call in? Do you have someone in particular in mind?
Nilekani: Umm. Have I been given an assistant or a secretary?
Operator: We don’t employ assistants here, sir. Too little outlay. Secretaries we have many. Chief secretary, under secretary, joint…
Nilekani: …No, no. Not that kind. I meant someone who could help me get things rolling.
Operator: Okay. Let me see. Well, I think I know just the right person for the task. I am sending in our secretary a-la-carte, Mr Pandeyji.
Several hours later, Pandeyji walks in.
Nilekani: [After exchanging the usual pleasantries] Pandeyji, one of our immediate big tasks would be to see how we could integrate our unique ID database with other relevant databases like those of passports, ration cards, job cards and PAN. Do we have an upgraded IT system here?
Pandeyji: Integration not possible. We need new licenses from Oracle, Microsoft. We don’t have much money with us. Too little outlay.
Nilekani: Alright. We will use Open Source.
Pandeyji: [Alarmed] Open source? Across all departments, we have banned everything that has anything “Open” in it.
Nilekani: When did that happen?
Pandeyji: Ever since the Open General Licence scheme came into force. It wreaked havoc on our personal, er, public finances.
Nilekani: Alright. I will talk to Paul. He is a good friend. I am sure he will be able to help. This is in the interest of the people, after all.
Pandeyji: But, sir, Paul was robbed two weeks ago.
Nilekani: [Shocked] Where? How?
Pandeyji: Shortly after the Union Budget speech. I heard an analyst say that the government is robbing Paul to pay Peter. Sirjee, when the government is done with Paul, he won’t be in a position to help.
Nilekani: [Relieved] No, no, I was talking about Paul Allen, Microsoft’s co-founder. By the way, “Robbing Paul to pay Peter” is not the correct expression. It is the other way round.
Pandeyji: Sir, you are duly advised not to lose sweat over improper forms of expression around here. Did you not hear the honourable finance minister read out the Budget?
Nilekani: [Ignoring the last comment] By the way, why do I see so few people in this building? Are we not sufficiently staffed yet? I think I gave my recommendations some time back.
Pandeyji: Actually, we were, but most officers have applied to other ministries or departments for transfers. Some have even moved out.
Nilekani: [Concerned] Why?
Pandeyji: Our project was allocated Rs 120 crore in the Budget. On the other hand, the Delhi Police got Rs 3,000 crore, the National Ganga Project got Rs 562 crore. You see sir, the greater the mess, the bigger the outlay. Officers feel there is a slim chance you will be messing things up around here, seeing your track record. So most officers want out.
Nilekani: [Animated] Forget the outlay. I have been given a free hand!! Nobody gets a free hand!
Pandeyji: [Smirking] Good you mentioned that term. In fact, “free hand” is among the first few terms of which I need to explain the official meanings to you, tomorrow.
Nilekani: Hmm. I think I know the meaning already, but why tomorrow? Why not today?
Pandeyji: It’s 2 minutes to 5:30 PM. When the clock strikes 5:30, I am going to turn into a pumpkin. Is there something else I can help you with?
Nilekani: Not really. Is there something else you want to help me with, before you turn into a pumpkin?
Pandeyji: Arrey haan. I have read your book, Imagining India. I like it a lot. Actually, I have thought of a nice title you can use for the book’s sequel.
Nilekani: [Intrigued] And what could that be?
Pandeyji: Keep Imagining, India.
Nilekani casts an impatient glance at his watch. The minute hand looks agonisingly sluggish.
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